Have you ever been with a group of friends when someone made a joke about another person, and everyone burst out laughing?

Maybe it was about their appearance, their relationship, something embarrassing they did, or a mistake they made years ago. Everyone thought it was funny. Even the person being laughed at smiled.

But sometimes, that smile doesn't mean they're enjoying the joke. They might be embarrassed. They might not want to ruin the mood. Or they might simply be tired of being the person everyone finds funny.

And perhaps you've been on the other side too. You made a joke, someone told you they didn't like it, and your first response was, Come on, I was only joking. Don't take everything so seriously.

After all, you weren't trying to hurt anyone. You were just having fun.

But what happens when something that was funny to you wasn't funny to the person you were talking about?

There's nothing wrong with having a good laugh. Friends tease each other. Families have inside jokes. Sometimes the funniest stories are the embarrassing things we've done ourselves. And not every joke someone dislikes is necessarily cruel or inappropriate.

But there's a difference between laughing with someone and making someone feel small so everyone else can laugh.

Proverbs 26:18–19 says, “Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’”

That's quite a picture, isn't it? The proverb describes someone doing something harmful and then trying to excuse it as a joke. And while not every hurtful joke is deliberate, the excuse is one we're still familiar with today.

Sometimes we say something we know will embarrass someone, but because we're smiling and everyone else is laughing, we expect them to find it funny too.

We laugh about something they trusted us with. We make a comment about something they're insecure about. Or we keep teasing them about something they've asked us to stop talking about. And when they don’t find it funny, we act as though they're the one making things awkward.

But if someone has to keep putting up with being embarrassed just so everyone else can have a good time, perhaps the joke has already gone too far.

Imagine making a joke about a friend's appearance.

Everyone laughs. You laugh too. You don't think much of it. Later, your friend tells you they didn't appreciate what you said.

Now you have a choice. You could say, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that would hurt you. Or you could say, Seriously? You know I was joking. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?

The interesting thing is that both responses can come from someone who genuinely didn't intend to cause harm. But the way we respond in that moment says a lot about our character and how willing we are to take responsibility for our actions.

It's possible to mean no harm and still say something hurtful. And even if we don't think what we said was hurtful, that doesn't mean we shouldn't care that someone was hurt by it.

Sometimes an apology is all that's needed. Other times, we may need to listen and understand why something bothered them. But if our first concern is proving that we did nothing wrong, we can end up making the situation worse.

Think about it. Someone has just told you that something you said hurt them, and now they have to defend why they're hurt.

Ephesians 4:29 encourages us to speak in ways that build others up and not tear them down in the name of a joke.

That doesn't mean we can never joke or tease one another. But it does mean that how our words affect people should matter to us. And sometimes, the kindest thing we can do is stop defending what we said and listen to what the other person is telling us.

The next time you're about to make a joke about someone, think about whether it's something they'd genuinely laugh about too.

If they've told you a particular subject makes them uncomfortable, respect that. You don't need to understand why they're sensitive about it to respect their wishes and stop bringing it up.

And if you realize you've gone too far, apologize without saying, But you know I was only joking. That one word but can make an apology sound more like a defense. You can simply say, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. I won't joke about that again.

And what about those times when you're not the one making the joke?

Maybe you're just sitting with friends when someone makes a joke at another person's expense. You can tell the person isn't comfortable, but you laugh along with everyone else because you don't want to make things awkward

You don't have to turn it into an argument. Sometimes changing the subject, refusing to join in, or checking on the person afterward can make a difference.

And if you're the one who was hurt, it's okay to say so. People don't always realize they've crossed a line until someone tells them.

The point isn't to become afraid of making jokes. It's to remember that having fun shouldn't require us to be careless with people.

Have you ever noticed how differently we respond when we're the one being laughed at?

When someone makes a joke about something we're insecure about, we want them to understand why it hurts. But when we're the ones making the joke, we expect them to understand that we didn't mean any harm.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:12, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.”

That's worth remembering the next time someone tells us a joke has gone too far.

You may not have meant to hurt them. They may even have misunderstood what you meant. But if you care about someone, you shouldn't have to win an argument about whether the joke was funny before you can acknowledge that it hurt them.

Sometimes the best response to “That wasn't funny to me” is simply, “I'm sorry. I won't do it again.”

✝ Kingdom Mantra