You know that moment when you're no longer listening? The other person is still talking, but in your head, you're building your reply.

You're remembering dates. Exact words. That text message they sent last month. Something they said three years ago that you haven't gotten over.

You both keep going at it. You're past the point of trying to understand each other because you're both convinced you're right. So why should you be the one listening? They're the one who needs to listen.

And sometimes that's how a simple disagreement turns into a two-hour argument.

You explain yourself again. They explain themselves again. You bring up another example. They have an answer for that too. And before you realize it, what led to the disagreement isn't even the only thing you're arguing about anymore.

You just want them to admit that they're wrong.

But what if they don't? How long are you willing to keep arguing just to hear them say that you're right?

Sometimes we've already said everything there is to say, but we keep arguing anyway.

Why?

Because nobody likes being wrong. And somehow, being told you're wrong by the person you're annoyed with makes it even harder to accept.

So we defend ourselves. We remind them what they did too. We find the one detail they got wrong, even if the rest of what they're saying might be true. And if we 100% believe we're right, the argument isn't going to be over until the other person knows it too.

Because now it feels unfair to let them walk away thinking they're right when you know they're not.

But perhaps that's when we need to ask ourselves: “What do I actually want from this conversation?”

Do I want us to understand each other? Do I want to solve the problem? Or do I need them to admit that I won?

Proverbs has some surprisingly practical advice about arguments. Proverbs 17:14 says, “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”

If you've ever had an argument get completely out of hand, you probably understand the comparison.

You start with what happened this morning. Then someone brings up what happened last week. Then comes, “You always do this.” Before you know it, you're talking about how they did the same thing at Christmas three years ago and something neither of you even remembered being angry about until five minutes ago.

One thing opened the door to ten other things. And that's exactly what Proverbs is warning us about. There comes a point when continuing isn't helping you solve anything. You're just giving the argument more things to feed on.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “It is to one's glory to overlook an offense.” In other words, you don't have to respond to everything.

You don't have to correct every little thing someone gets wrong. You don't have to defend yourself against every comment. And sometimes, you can know that you have a perfectly good response and still choose not to say anything else.

Of course, some things do need to be addressed. If someone keeps hurting you, crosses a boundary or there is a real problem between you, staying quiet isn't always the answer. Some conversations need to happen.

But sometimes, the thing you're about to spend the next hour arguing about really isn't worth an hour of your life. And you can let it go.

So what do you do when you're right in the middle of it and you can feel yourself getting worked up?

Before you make your next point, stop and ask yourself: What am I trying to achieve here?

If something genuinely needs resolving, talk about it. But stay with the issue you're actually trying to resolve. Don't bring old arguments into a new one just because they help your case.

This can be really difficult to do in the moment, but listen to what the other person is actually saying. You might discover there is something you need to own too.

And if you've both explained yourselves and neither of you is changing your mind, consider whether the conversation is really that important.

You don't have to have the last word. And you don't need them to admit that you're right before the argument stops.

Sometimes you can simply say, “I don't think we're going to agree on this,” and leave it there. If it's something really serious, you can come back to it when you are both calmer or find someone you both trust to help you work through it.

You will probably have arguments in your life that you never win. Not because you were wrong.

The other person may never understand your side. They may remember what happened completely differently. They may never apologize. They may even walk away still convinced that you were the problem.

That's difficult, especially when you know there is more to the story.

But here's something worth remembering: someone else believing they're right doesn't make you wrong.

You don't have to spend hours proving something you already know just because another person refuses to see it. And ending an argument doesn't mean you're admitting they were right.

2 Timothy 2:23–24 says, “Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone…”

I love how simple that is.

Sometimes there won't be a winner. There will just be two people who see things differently and have said everything there is to say.

You can know you're right and still be the one who stops arguing.

✝ Kingdom Mantra