This week has probably been really good.

No arguments. No wondering what mood they're going to be in when they get home. They have been kind, helpful, maybe even a little more affectionate than usual.

And you think, This is what I mean. They're not a bad person. Because they're not always like this.

There are days when you genuinely enjoy being with them. Days when you laugh together and wonder why you ever thought things were that bad.

Then something happens out of the blue. You say the wrong thing. Ask a question they don't like. Spend time with someone they don't approve of. And there you go again.

Another argument. Another cruel comment. Another night asking yourself, How did we end up here again?

But then a few days pass. They apologize. Maybe they even buy you a gift. Or maybe they don't. Either way, things eventually settle down. They're nice again. You have another good week. And somehow, you find yourself thinking, Maybe it really isn't that bad. After all, every relationship has problems, right?

Yes, every relationship has problems. People lose their temper. They say things they regret. Sometimes they do something completely out of character and wish they could take it back.

But what if it isn't out of character anymore?

Maybe you've heard “I'm sorry” more times than you can count. And for a while, things feel better. They're more thoughtful. More affectionate. You start to think, Maybe this time will be different.

Then something happens again, and you're right back where you started. The same behavior ending with another promise that it won't happen again.

Or maybe they've stopped apologizing altogether.

You've just learned what to avoid. Which subjects not to bring up. Which friends they don't like you spending time with. When it's better to keep quiet because you can already tell they're in a bad mood.

And before you know it, you're spending more time trying not to upset them than simply being yourself. You speak less. Explain yourself more. Avoid certain people. Let things go that you know aren't okay, simply because you don't want another fight.

At some point, you have to ask yourself: is this really what people mean when they say every relationship has problems?

Maybe that's the part you keep coming back to. Because they're not horrible all the time. If they were, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to know what to do.

Maybe nobody understands you like they do. Maybe he's an amazing father. Maybe she stood by you when nobody else did. You've built a life together. Everyone knows you together. And perhaps there's something else you wonder: What if I leave and never find anyone else?

So when things are good, you take it as another reason to stay. Maybe you even tell yourself that a good Christian doesn't give up on people.

They do something thoughtful and you think, See, they do care about me. You have a wonderful weekend together and you tell yourself the horrible argument you had last week wasn't such a big deal. They show up for you when you really need them, and you remember all the reasons you fell in love with them in the first place.

And that's when you start telling yourself things like:
Yes, they hurt me, but look at everything they do for me.
Yes, they don't like me around certain people, but that's only because they're protective of me.
Yes, things can get really bad, but when they're good, they're really good.
They've promised they'll change. Maybe I just need to give them a little more time.

But the good doesn't erase what happens when things are bad. Someone can have wonderful qualities and still treat you horribly.

Sometimes we don't question certain things because we're used to them.

Maybe your parents had terrible arguments, said horrible things to each other, and the next day everyone carried on like nothing happened.

Or maybe you grew up in a home where you had to be careful when someone was angry. You knew when not to ask for something. When to stay in your room. When it was better not to say anything at all.

Or maybe you didn't grow up feeling very loved. So when you finally meet someone who makes you feel wanted, the thought of losing them can make you hold on even when the relationship starts hurting you.

You may not even realize how much you're putting up with because some of it doesn't feel unusual. You learned a long time ago that people can love you and still shout at you. That sometimes you keep quiet to keep the peace. That someone can hurt you today and be incredibly loving tomorrow.

But just because you've seen love look like this before doesn't mean this is what love is supposed to look like.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 tells us that “Love is patient, love is kind,” and that it “does not dishonor others” and “is not easily angered.”

That doesn't mean people who love each other will never argue or hurt each other. But loving someone shouldn't mean constantly watching what you say, who you spend time with or wondering what might set them off next.

If you're reading this and thinking, This sounds a little too familiar, you don't have to rush into a decision today. You may not know what you want to do yet. But there are things you can do now.

First, stop covering for what is happening. If someone asks how things are, you don't always have to say “We're fine.” Find one person you trust and tell them the truth. You don't need them to make the decision for you. Sometimes someone outside the situation can help you see it more clearly.

Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” You were never meant to figure everything out alone.

And when they apologize, don’t let the apology be the end of it. Look at what happens afterwards. Do they take responsibility without finding a way to blame you? Do they make an effort to change? Are things actually getting better over time, or do you keep hearing the same apologies without anything really changing?

It's okay to hope they'll change. But eventually, you need to see that change too.

And if you're being physically hurt, threatened, abused, controlled or you're afraid of what this person might do, please don't try to deal with it by yourself. Tell someone you trust and contact a domestic abuse service in your area. They can help you think through your options and make a plan to keep yourself safe. If you are in immediate danger, contact the emergency services where you live.

Proverbs 22:3 says, “The prudent see danger and take refuge.” Getting yourself out of danger isn't a failure of faith.

Maybe you don't consider them to be a bad person. Maybe that's what makes all of this so difficult. You can think of a hundred reasons why you love them. The ways they've been there for you. The things they've done for you. The good days you've had together.

And every time you think, I can't keep doing this, another part of you says, But they're not always like this. Perhaps that's what has kept you going back and forth for so long. You keep thinking that admitting something is wrong means ignoring everything that's right.

It doesn't.

You don't have to forget everything good they've ever done or pretend the good days didn't happen. They can be a good parent and still be a terrible partner to you. They can help everyone else and come home and treat you horribly. They can make you laugh harder than anyone you know and still make you cry more than anyone should.

Maybe the hardest part is accepting that both sides of them are real.

Someone doesn't have to be horrible all the time for the way they treat you to be wrong.

✝ Kingdom Mantra